Did you miss me?

So it feels like it’s been forever since I posted.

I’ve been away because mainly, my life has been busy with work and stressing about a possible soon to be not working situation that is out of my control. Sorry, that’s probably confusing. Long story short, my work may or may not be closing soon and we are reaching the point of almost finding out.

I also had my three remaining wisdom teeth removed last week and I’m still recovering from that as well.

I miss writing, but with all the stress and recovery it has put a damper on my creative juices. I didn’t want to just post like it was a facebook status but such is life.

I will be relieved when my mouth is back to normal and I can hopefully clear my mind and find out where this next chapter might take me if this job ends. I’m so nervous and anxious all the time and I want to just know what I’m in for.

I hate the unknown and my mind will not rest until I know what is going on. And even then, it won’t rest. So here I am writing away hoping that you found some reason to skim the ramblings of a person who is slowly losing the ability to form coherent thoughts and transform them into run on sentences.

I have no idea if any of this has made any sense, but all the same it still feels good to let my fingers just go over the keys and type away as my mind races forward into oblivion.

I probably won’t post again until I know the outcome of my soon to be “new situation”.

See you on the other side!

“Life Is Strange ” video game…

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I recently played “Life Is Strange” on PS4.
I don’t normally play games on my own but this game looked like something I would be into.
I ended up playing for like 5 hours straight and had to take a break to finish downloading the last episodes to the game.
I finished it after a night and a whole day of playing.
It was a great experience for me accomplishing it mostly on my own (with a few tips from the Web when I got stuck).
I just wanted to post about it because it was a different experience for me that I ended up really enjoying.
The game wasn’t perfect but I don’t regret the time and $ I spent on it.
You go through the game and talk to people and the choices you make determine how the game progresses.
You have a rewind power to go back some of the time if you don’t like the immediate outcome.
There is some dark stuff in the game that I didn’t expect but it was overall a beautiful game to look at and I would recommend to anyone who can keep an open mind and maybe just wants to sit back and have a good time solving a mystery.
***Trigger warning for abuse victims!!!

(Again,  I don’t play a lot of games and am not a very harsh critic; so I don’t have a lot to compare it to.)

You Can’t Relate To Everyone

I feel like people think they have to try to find a way to relate to everyone. Especially if that person is going through something hard or sad or whatever it may be.

 

This morning, I woke up feeling my normal achy tired self but was in an okay mood because of the wonderful last 3 days I had just had. I came to work and got a lot done before lunch. I still felt extremely tired/sleepy as I do most mornings though, just trying to push through to keep working.

Then something happened that made my mood spiral. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it makes me so angry and want to just curl up in myself and never talk to anyone at all.

Someone at work, who sort of knows about my health issues, asked how I was feeling. I could tell that I looked tired like I always do in the morning. I explained (again) that because of my condition, that mornings are really hard for me because of my low blood pressure and how it just takes me a long time to get going each day.

And that’s when it happened. This person starts talking about how they have the same symptoms as me and they know just what I’m going through and how tired they are all the time. (This person goes to the gym regularly and as far as I can tell lives a normal life.)

If I rake the yard for 20 minutes, it takes me days to recover. There is a difference in being tired and having a condition with several debilitating symptoms that control everything I can and can’t do.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me like this, but it is just so frustrating to have people who go out and live a normal life and come and go as they please, and then try to tell me that they know what it’s like to go through what I go through.

I’m starting to feel better as far as my mood (partly because I finally just ate lunch) but I still wanted to write about this situation because it’s something that I feel like is worth talking about.

You don’t have to relate to what someone is going through to make a connection with that person. Just listen and be there when they want to talk about something. If you ask something and they seem uncomfortable about it, don’t push the subject. Don’t act like you know their hardship when you don’t because chances are, you are just going to end up offending them and making them feel like you are saying their struggle is not real or that it’s not a big deal because everyone has their own struggles.

You can try to help someone but if you don’t have any idea how, start by asking how you can help them. Ask if they need anything or if they want to talk about anything. If you just assume you know how to help them and start offering things, you may end up actually causing them real mental pain without realizing it.

So just be careful when giving your 2 cents about miracle cures or something you read online about a special herb or vitamin that could cure what they have. People who are chronically ill have accepted for the most part that their journey will be long and hard. What doesn’t make it any easier is having people who have no idea what they are talking about, make it seem like we don’t want to get better and just don’t want to accept the crazy tips they just read online.

Communication is key to moving forward and making sure we are helping others and not making their life harder.

That’s the end of my rant (for now). If you have experience with this on either side, feel free to let me know! ❤

 

 

Flare Days

I woke up today and I knew immediately that it was going to be one of those days. Normally on a day like this, I would just stay home because the pain and overall feeling is just too much to deal with.

For some reason though, today, I just really didn’t want to stay home. I didn’t want to once again feel left behind by the world. Because I work with my husband at the moment, I feel sad when I have to stay home and be alone and feel sick all day. I might not be so anxious to get to work otherwise.

So I took my daily medications and added some Aleve hoping to take the edge off my joint pain. (I know, silly me.) And now I am sitting here at my desk in my office and wondering what in the world I was thinking.

I still feel awful and I am so wishing I had just stayed home. Minute to minute, just suffering through the pain and fatigue in this terrible flare. No where to run, no where to hide; people bothering me because I did in fact come to work today.

In situations like this, I usually start debating if I should just tough it out or work up the courage to ask to be taken back home early. I try and wait it out and see if maybe the pain will let up enough that it’s not so bad but most of the time, a flare like this shows no mercy.

Then I think, maybe I can convince him to just leave work early with me if he is not that busy (which mostly he is always busy).

I hate that I can’t just wake up and go to work and not have to worry about how I will be feeling day to day. One of the hardest parts is that most people can never understand what I am going through and they often add to the suffering without realizing it.

People mean well, but their comments can be hurtful. Saying things like, “Oh you look like you are feeling better today.” is one of my least favorites because I am never feeling better. Not in the sense that they use the word.

Yes I have days that are better than others, but when others say “better” they mean “all better or completely normal”. My better is their sick day. And that is something that most people can’t wrap their brains around. I don’t really blame them for not understanding because it would be a hard thing to understand if you are not going through it every single day.

I just get so bitter and annoyed at the situation itself and that is totally understandable. I can see it for it is. Just a complicated situation. It’s no one’s fault that I am forever stuck in this body that does not work properly. It’s no one’s fault that any average healthy person could never relate to what I am going through and could not possibly understand and therefore will probably say things that offend me even though they mean well.

Anyways, I’m exhausted and wanted to write something today and this is just how my day is going.

I hope you all are feeling better than I am today! ❤

Inside My Head

It’s a mess in there. I always find myself wandering off in my day dreams. I will think about my childhood and how much my life has changed. I never would have imagined it how it is now. Some bad things, but mostly I feel pretty lucky. My relationship has a lot to do with that.

Mostly I just space out when I am tired and in a fog. I will stare at nothing and think nothing. Then when I pull myself out of it, I will think ‘man, I need to do something. Then I will gather things to do something creative and then I just sit there staring at them.

Maybe 1 in 10 times I will be happy with whatever creative thing I have worked on. Mostly I just end up impatient to do a good job on whatever it is and end up with a half-assed thing sitting in front of me. It ruins my motivation and I go back to Netflix or whatever I was doing before.

I like to paint on canvases. I’m not good. Like AT ALL. But I love the feeling of watching the color spread out over the white canvas. It’s the “actually making something worth looking at” part that I have trouble with. I like the act of painting, not so much the finished product. I have maybe 3 abstracts that I am happy with.

I never feel that way about my writing when I actually make myself sit down and do it. I am usually pretty impressed with myself when I write. I just wish I could get out of this foggy feeling I have most of the time. My memory is terrible and I will go back and read something I wrote a few months back and not remember any of it.

I think about how I need to eat better. We are so busy at work and by the time we get off, we usually go through a drive thru. I am not a cook. I don’t have the energy for it because of my condition and already working full time takes everything out of me. Maybe after this job I can put more energy towards taking care of the house chores and myself. We are both pretty messy slobs so our place is always wrecked. I don’t love that fact but my lack of energy keeps me from actually doing anything about it.

I can’t complain too much though because my husband is a saint for the most part. He puts up with all the craziness that comes with my illness. He understands what I go through and was there for the progression of my illness. He has the greatest work ethic of anyone I know besides my father and he will do whatever it takes to take care of us.

That fact really helps to even out the anxiety I have about my life and the way my health has taken control over every little aspect of what I do on a day to day basis.

Well I’ve rambled on enough and it’s time for me to head home from work. 🙂

I don’t really have a point to this post. Just rambling about what goes on inside my thoughts. ❤

What do you think about when you have time to just think?

 

Migraines

WARNING!!!!  I get very personal sometimes when talking about my illnesses and condition and just overall body issues. I have gotten very comfortable talking about things that might be gross or seem like TMI to some. Just thought I’d throw that out there now.

So I’ve been feeling very drained today (more than normal). I felt it in my face too, like the muscles around my eyes and mouth just felt dead and saggy.

I also felt like I had a lot of trouble concentrating and looking at a computer screen for very long. It’s like my body wants me to shut out everything; light, sound, even smells and temperatures.

I’ve had a lot of experience with these symptoms. It’s usually what happens leading up to a migraine.

I’ve them for years (since before high school). I’m now 28 which is so weird because I still feel like a teenager in some ways. But then I see how teenagers and even people in their early twenties act and I’m like, yep, I’m 28.

I have a few migraine triggers that I know of but then sometimes I feel like I am not sure why they happen.

The triggers that I know of are, sugar (had to give up sweet tea and it broke my heart), being awake for too long, being in a loud environment for too long, being physically active (mostly outdoors) for too long, eating too much Italian (which I had yesterday) and always always always my period causes one before and even sometimes after (which I just got off of one).

So of course, today I have a migraine. I figured if I was going to get one anyway because of my period, might as well enjoy some Italian food. God I love some Fettuccine Alfredo!

Also, the weather can trigger them. I am not sure if it’s just storms or if it’s like an overcast day that can cause them. I don’t keep track of those as well. The weather also affects my overall feeling. My joints are worse on stormy or rainy days.

I also have different severity levels of migraines. Sometimes they hit me really hard and fast and I’m completely helpless and have to go straight to bed and stay there very still and quiet. Those types come with a lot of nausea and it’s awful!

Sometimes they start off slow and I can tell it’s happening and I take Excedrin right away and then I’m just in a fog for the next 24 hours. I can’t really think straight and I have trouble putting my thoughts into words. Although every migraine always comes with a ton of brain fog and trouble concentrating or doing anything that takes brain power.

I worry that sometimes when I have a lighter migraine, that people might think I’m faking it. Because I know how bad migraines can get and I’ve been bed bound many times because of them. But sometimes I catch it early and can actually do little things slowly and I worry that other people who have them will think I’m faking it because I have them so often.

I used to have one a week. Now I have maybe 2 or 3 month. I don’t know what I would do without Excedrin Migraine. I remember when the recall happened and I was literally just out of luck that entire time. IT was the longest time of my life waiting on those to come back on the shelf.

I remember standing in Walgreens one day and I hadn’t realized that Excedrin was back yet and I looked over and saw all those beautiful little boxes just calling out to me! That was a great day!

***Possible TMI coming*** 

*** One thing about Excedrin that I love (beside the pain relief) is that it always makes me poop! Yep, I am one of those people that caffeine can cause my digestion to move things along. I have always had bowel issues since I was very young and that is just sort of an added bonus for me when I have to take Excedrin. ***

Well that about wraps this up!

If you suffer from migraines, I am so sorry that you know my struggle. If you don’t, there are not enough words in the human language to describe the torture to you.

If you have migraines and triggers and cures or things that help you through it, feel free to let me know about it! ❤

 

Binge Watching Netflix

It’s the weekend and honestly I am feeling pretty awful today.

Living with a chronic illness that mostly drains my energy, I find myself on the couch a lot in my free time. If I am not online checking in on Facebook, Tumblr, Youtube, or hulu, I am on Netflix.

Last night I felt a migraine starting to flare up while binge watching Fuller House on Netflix. I am not ashamed to admit I finished all 13 episodes yesterday.

I grew up watching Full House and though I can’t bring myself to watch those cheesy daddy daughter talks anymore, I still love what the show represented and I am so happy to see some of my childhood brought back in a modern way.

I was worried about how the show would turn out, and honestly there were only a few times I felt it was a bit odd or too much. But overall, it was hilarious and full of nostalgia. I will be waiting anxiously for them to release more episodes if they are able to!

Some other shows that I find binge worthy are: (in no specific order)

  • Gilmore Girls
  • The Walking Dead
  • iZombie
  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Supernatural
  • The 100
  • Pretty Little Liars (though mostly  frustrating )
  • Once Upon a Time
  • Broadchurch
  • Breaking Bad (trigger warning)
  • Bob’s Burgers
  • Parenthood
  • Lost

As you can see, I like all sorts of genres. It just depends on what I am in the mood for and how I am feeling physically.

Well that about wraps this up for now. I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend! ❤