Inside My Head

It’s a mess in there. I always find myself wandering off in my day dreams. I will think about my childhood and how much my life has changed. I never would have imagined it how it is now. Some bad things, but mostly I feel pretty lucky. My relationship has a lot to do with that.

Mostly I just space out when I am tired and in a fog. I will stare at nothing and think nothing. Then when I pull myself out of it, I will think ‘man, I need to do something. Then I will gather things to do something creative and then I just sit there staring at them.

Maybe 1 in 10 times I will be happy with whatever creative thing I have worked on. Mostly I just end up impatient to do a good job on whatever it is and end up with a half-assed thing sitting in front of me. It ruins my motivation and I go back to Netflix or whatever I was doing before.

I like to paint on canvases. I’m not good. Like AT ALL. But I love the feeling of watching the color spread out over the white canvas. It’s the “actually making something worth looking at” part that I have trouble with. I like the act of painting, not so much the finished product. I have maybe 3 abstracts that I am happy with.

I never feel that way about my writing when I actually make myself sit down and do it. I am usually pretty impressed with myself when I write. I just wish I could get out of this foggy feeling I have most of the time. My memory is terrible and I will go back and read something I wrote a few months back and not remember any of it.

I think about how I need to eat better. We are so busy at work and by the time we get off, we usually go through a drive thru. I am not a cook. I don’t have the energy for it because of my condition and already working full time takes everything out of me. Maybe after this job I can put more energy towards taking care of the house chores and myself. We are both pretty messy slobs so our place is always wrecked. I don’t love that fact but my lack of energy keeps me from actually doing anything about it.

I can’t complain too much though because my husband is a saint for the most part. He puts up with all the craziness that comes with my illness. He understands what I go through and was there for the progression of my illness. He has the greatest work ethic of anyone I know besides my father and he will do whatever it takes to take care of us.

That fact really helps to even out the anxiety I have about my life and the way my health has taken control over every little aspect of what I do on a day to day basis.

Well I’ve rambled on enough and it’s time for me to head home from work. 🙂

I don’t really have a point to this post. Just rambling about what goes on inside my thoughts. ❤

What do you think about when you have time to just think?

 

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